Knoxville - Of Two Minds
Knoxville has a long history of embodying multiple identities, perhaps even more than two. On the one hand, it holds firmly to its southern roots, complete with traditions and tales from the region, and a strong desire to honor them. On the other hand, the presence of the University of Tennessee brings a range of viewpoints and diversity to the city. It's worth noting that during the Civil War, Knoxville found itself divided, with inhabitants on both sides of the conflict. In my pastoral journey, I was increasingly feeling like a pastor trying to be loyal to the tradition while listening to the new perspectives I was hearing. Knoxville became the place where I recognized my own internal tug-of-war. I was, increasingly, Of Two Minds.
During my final year in seminary, I found myself in a precarious position. I felt too inexperienced and young to take on the role of a pastor, despite my strong desire to preach and lead. As a result, I applied to various churches as an assistant pastor, only to be rejected by the senior pastors who would say some variation of “You want my job and it’s taken”.
Unexpectedly, an opportunity arose when Reformed University Fellowship1 (RUF), the campus ministry of the PCA, approached me. Despite never having considered working with college students, I was intrigued but hesitant. My past experience in campus ministry as a student at the University of Florida with Campus Crusade, now called "Cru," (which makes no sense to me… why keep the most offensive part of your name even if shortened?) left a negative impression. As a right-brained visual thinker, their cookie-cutter approach to ministry left me exhausted.2 The more I learned about RUF, the more it felt like a fit. In the spring of 1990, just months away from graduation, RUF asked me to consider the University of Tennessee. We knew that was it.
Getting accustomed to this particular shade of orange was one of this Gator fan’s early challenges. :) I should point out that Florida won 4 of the 6 years I was there, thanks be to God. UT remains my 2nd favorite SEC school.
The Committee Meeting
In order to establish chapters, RUF required the support of a strong PCA church in the area. While Cedar Springs Presbyterian (now EPC) initially expressed interest, their enthusiasm was limited due to concerns about RUF's perceived doctrinal rigidity, which was valid. Ultimately, my fate was left in the hands of a key committee meeting at Cedar Springs, where I was interviewed. Hal Farnsworth, a fellow campus minister at Vanderbilt, was also present to support our case.
During the committee meeting, an elder grumpily asked, "What's in it for us?" Hal spoke up, in only the way he can: "What's in it for you? For you? Let me tell you something - what's in it for you is the Kingdom of God, that's what!" If I had uttered those words, we would have been doomed. Only Hal could turn the tide of the meeting and win their approval with a response like that and I’ll never forget it.3 In the end, Cedar Springs could not have been more supportive and welcoming of us.
Still, I had to pass the presbytery exams, which made me nervous given my sordid history with them in Mississippi (as mentioned in a previous post). The fate of my family's move to Knoxville depended on my performance on a presbytery exam. Fortunately, I passed the exams without any drama, and in July of 1990, we headed to Knoxville to begin our new chapter.
When Ministry Does Harm
Prior to the arrival of any students, I arranged a meeting with the Dean of Students to obtain approval for our organization to become officially recognized on campus. Upon being welcomed into his office, I introduced myself and explained about RUF before posing a question: "What is a University of TN student?" The Dean was taken aback and expressed surprise that no other campus ministry had ever asked him such a question before. He had mixed feelings about such organizations due to concerns about student burnout, neglect of studies, and angry parents. “Most ministries march in here and tell me what they are going to do”, he said. My question to him stemmed from my training with RUF: lead with curiosity, avoid assumptions, and strive to understand the unique experience of students on this particular campus.
The Dean was right. The first issue I encountered was the exhaustion of students, not from their academic classes, but from their involvement in ministry with Campus Crusade for Christ. They were failing classes because they were told that following Jesus was more important than their studies, creating a lot of tension with their tuition-paying parents. They were constantly burdened with guilt for not sharing their faith enough and anticipated being questioned about it. This same high-pressure approach to ministry that had nearly caused me to lose my faith in college was now once again before me, driving students to the brink. Simply pointing them to a God of grace who loves us unconditionally without having to jump through any hoops was an exercise in setting people free.
The opportunity to walk with students at such a critical time of their life was a tremendous privilege. And we had a blast! This is the backyard of David and Martha Reynolds who hosted students every Sunday night. Their impact on students is legendary.
This was the first time I began to consider the gospel as a means of liberation. Jesus' first sermon in Luke 4 references the prophet Isaiah and proclaims freedom for captives. I gradually came to understand that captivity takes many forms and is often systemic in nature. Sadly, Cru’s rigid philosophy of ministry was an entire system imposed on them, producing negative outcomes. As Jesus taught us, a bad tree bears bad fruit, and this "tree" was clearly bearing rotten fruit. I’m not trying to pick on Cru.4 I mention this because upon reflecting on my personal journey, I realized that this was the point at which my understanding of sin began changing from an individualistic perspective to a more systemic and collective one.
Here’s what I’ve noticed over the years. Most predominantly white churches allow preaching about individual sins without objection. However, when a preacher begins to link these sins to systemic issues, trouble often arises. Preachers can discuss greed without pushback, but once they draw attention to unfair labor practices and urge reconsideration of consumer habits, trouble often ensues. Similarly, while preachers can discuss race as personal acts of prejudice, going deeper by advocating for black and brown images of God on the margins and proclaiming "Black Lives Matter" often provokes major blowback of becoming ‘political’. I was starting to see this in my early days of ministry. The words of Rev. Dr. William J. Barber come to mind: “Preachers don’t get to stay out of politics. We are either chaplains of empire or prophets of God.”
Empathic Imagination
This marked the start of my realization that bad theology can be lethal, and that sincerely held beliefs are often the subtle enemy of liberating beliefs. How we hold our theology is more important than the theology itself, because the ‘theology itself’ is just a subjective preference based on what we have been exposed to, not some kind of objective fact. We must remember that “... so-called objectivity is nothing but the subjectivity of those who have the power to impose their own point of view on others”.5 Or, as the Apostle Paul said in a moment of deep epistemological humility, “we see through a glass, dimly” and only “know in part”.
My posture in those days was weighted toward “knowing in full” I’m afraid. I leaned toward talking, not listening. I had things to say, but I also had stories to hear, which pushed me back into a posture of listening. The more stories I heard, the more complicated the world became for me. The more questions I heard, the more I learned my rehearsed answers weren’t working. The more pain I heard, the more I began to yearn for deeper resources to address it. And if a Pastor is honest, they’ll tell you the more pain we hear, the more repressed pain we begin to recognize in ourselves.
As I started to actively listen more, I found myself less inclined to force my own solutions and more receptive to expanding my capacity for empathy. A pastor or church without empathic imagination is susceptible to the allure of power over the care of people. Perhaps the reason why a significant portion of the American church aligns with Christian Nationalists and politicians who seek to erase entire groups of individuals instead of hearing their perspectives and stories is due to the absence of empathic imagination.
How have the stories of others stretched you? How have you cut yourself off from stories that counter your long-held beliefs? Are you curious about how others have drawn different conclusions than you? How has listening to the stories of others increased your empathic imagination? A friend of mine says an enemy is just someone whose story you haven’t heard.6 I think he’s right.
PS: Oh by the way, we were now up to 3 children, all of them unique as a snowflake. Turns out you have to be flexible with children too, there is no one size fits all approach to parenting, just as there is no one size fits all approach to ministry.
John Mark (5), Victoria (3), and Lucas (1). (Lunden is on the way in 2 years!)
RUF was one of the most formative influences in my ministry life. Everything I ever did in ministry was basically following the approach I learned from the genius of Mark Lowrey, Bebo Elkin, and so many others.
I am hopeful their approach has changed over the years. I know many well-meaning staffers who felt the burnout as well.
For my first 3 years as a campus minister, I never made a move without calling Hal first. I can’t imagine starting this new ministry from scratch without Hal’s wise and patient coaching.
The staff members I encountered as a student at UF were mostly exceptions to the rule. That didn’t keep me from feeling the pressure this ministry placed on students.
Ada María Isasi-Díaz was a Cuban-American theologian who served as professor emerita of ethics and theology at Drew University in Madison, New Jersey. As a Hispanic theologian, she was an innovator of Hispanic theology in general and specifically of mujerista theology.
Brian Zahnd, thank you